Dear guests,

Growing up Constantina Blake née Sarkaridis spent her summers aboard her parent's cabin cruiser. At 24-feet in length and just eight feet wide, the boat barely had room for one person, let alone two adults and a growing child. With no playmates, no smartphones and no means of escape from the crushing boredom these "vacations" were interminable. 

Some might cry, "Poor little rich girl, what torture to float around the turquoise waters of the Aegean all summer long," but the reality was far from idyllic. Come August, landlubbers welcomed the Meltemi winds as a cooling breeze, a respite from the searing 40-degree heat, while Constantina experienced them as seven-Beaufort gales that would find her lurching into the stifling 2x2 head to be spectacularly ill.

Summer after summer, Constantina yearned for a home on dry land. At 35, her dream came true but three seasons into hosting an endless parade of relatives and friends, Constantina realised her parents may have been on to something and set about reclaiming her summers!

Dear guests,

I always thought the saying 'Beware of Greeks bearing gifts' originated from Homer's Odyssey when the conniving Odysseus packed the Greeks into the Trojan Horse and tricked the mighty Trojans to lay down their arms. They foolishly welcomed this "peace offering" into their city walls whereupon the bloodthirsty Greeks burst out and decimated Troy to reclaim that hussy Helen for King Menelaus.

However, after three summers of playing HausFrau to all of you and your progeny, even fourth cousins twice removed, I regret to say I have formed my own wariness of you, my Greek brethren and so in the spirit of self preservation, I am delighted to anounce our…..

SUMMER HOUSE GUEST POLICY

My beloved American husband doesn't understand the need and why would he. Raised by a proudly emotionally reserved family of WASPS, he and his kinfolk tolerate one another with polite aloofness on only two occasions per year, Thanksgiving and Christmas, and have the good manners to spend as little time as possible in one's company and the decency to arrange their own accommodation. 

Let's get one thing clear from the start. No one means what they say at funerals, baptisms, weddings and will-readings. When we say we should see more of each another, we don't mean it.

Henceforth, invitations to visit must be formalised in writing. A text will do. Also, if one of the children invites you, it doesn't count. They don't pay the bills!

GIFTS

Yes, you must bring one. No, you may not regift. We can tell. Everyone can tell. 

Your leftovers are not welcome. Please do not try to disguise overripe fruit, expired meats and soon to be mouldy bread as sustainable and rustic offerings.  

Refrain from purchasing local crafts, the artisans in these parts need no encouragement.

Incidentally, if you notice any of your gifts displayed in Aunt Froso's house over the holidays, feign surprise. 

FREQUENCY OF VISITS

Twice is once too many. Just because you spent all your money sending your dull-witted offspring to private school does entitle you to treat our home as your cheap and cheerful budget option. 

DURATION OF STAY

There's a reason some sayings are timeless and require no embellishment. "Guests, like fish, begin to stink after three days."

TIME SPENT IN ONE ANOTHER'S COMPANY

One evening is plenty and you must treat us to a meal, aperitif treating is only acceptable for cousins under 25. While we will tolerate you for the duration of your stay we do not wish to be subjected to more time in your company than is strictly necessary. 

We know from the infrequency of your calls and invitations over the winter months that you only kiss up to us for a free place to stay in the summer. Plus that gossip, Aunt Froso told us you don't like us. 

ETIQUETTE

I'm not a chauffeur. Bring a car, a bike, a donkey or stilts. Just don't ask for rides. 

Contributions to mealtimes are welcome and need not be pricey. A loaf of bread, a jam, a small box of chocolates are perfect. What is not appropriate is to subject us to your invented food intolerences and dietary whims. No, we do not want gluten free, chocolate substitute, vegan macha milk for pudding.  

Soggy Towels belong on the clothesline. If they're found hanging on shutters, the backs of doors, on sofas, chairs or beds they'll be confiscated and you will be forced to dry yourself with single-ply toilet roll. 

The Temperature in the house is whatever temperature we fancy. This is not a democracy.

This policy will be in effect from April to October and covers the main house, the shed, the pool and yes, even the driveway. Do not try to pitch a tent in the garden to “cause us minimal disruption”. We fell for that when Aunt Froso brought little Stavros and his delinquent friends over and the lawn has never recovered. 

 PHILOXENIA (ΦΙΛΟΞΕΝΙΑ)

Finally, before you blow up the family whatsapp with your indignation and expel me from all cc lists let me leave you with this.  Philoxenia or Greek hospitality, was considered divine law in ancient times. The literal translation is "friend to strangers" - a deep-rooted value and cultural obligation of us Greeks to show generosity to strangers NOT freeloading family members! Thus with my cultural integrity intact and my conscience clear, I have taken the liberty of enclosing a selection of brochures for local villas and apartment rentals. 

Happy Holidays!

'Tina x

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Another delightful comic-brew from the over-caffeinated mind of

Christina Fotinelli and The Coffee Letters.